Maybe it’s time to rethink monogamy, says Mariella Frostrup. Or step away from them both and get clear about what you really want
The dilemma I am in my early 30s and for the past seven years I’ve been dealing with the issue of loving two men at the same time. Each of them is unique in his own way; both of them are loving, caring and love me dearly. I was with the first man for two years, then I left him for the second one with whom I stayed for four years. Now I’m back with the first one, but missing the second one greatly. I can’t be happy with either, because I miss the other and worry constantly that I’m hurting the feelings of the other one. Sometimes I am not sure if I love them or am just worried about not hurting them. I was wondering whether to leave both of them, but everyone I know says that many women can only dream about having such a man and that I should be happy that I have two of them to choose from. I know I am lucky, but it has become an impossible task for me to choose between them and it’s destroying me.
Mariella replies I’m not sure about lucky. There will be a few schools of thought on this issue, so in the interests of inclusivity I’ll try to include them all. First and foremost, why choose? We live in a changed world, where 19th-century normality no longer applies and if the world is a better place with three of you in the mix why not have the courage of your convictions and embark on the unthinkable? I’ve no idea how your duelling suitors will react, but perhaps as we’re encouraged to keep things fluid when it comes to gender, so we might also try it when it comes to “life partnerships”.